Wendell’s New Rules for Baseball

New Rule 16.02

When a manager is ejected, if the crowd has not been sufficiently entertained, they may insist on grander theatrics. The crowd chants the manager’s name over and over, and he must begin a formal “outraged” performance, lasting between 30 and 60 seconds. A panel of three judges each give him an artistic merit score out of six (e.g. 5.4, as in figure skating). Scores are kept for the season, and at the end of the year, the manager with the highest average (minimum three ejections), receives the Joe Mikulik Award for Outstanding Outrage. Managers who refuse to perform when requested by the crowd are suspended without pay for three games.

New Rule 16.01

If second base is stolen in a cheeky manner, all defensive players (except the pitcher and catcher) must come to second base and place one foot on the bag. They may not remove their feet until the pitcher begins the delivery of his next pitch, at which point they are free to run back to their positions. To dissuade the runner at second from taking a huge lead and easily stealing third, the bat boy of the defensive team is allowed to cover for the out of position third baseman, though he is not permitted to use a glove.

New Rule 14.07

Designated Hitters have it too easy. They should have to play at least one inning every game. I want to see Big Papi play shortstop.

New Rule 14.06

Opposing players are allowed to grab Adam Lind’s beard while he’s running the bases.

New Rule 14.05

“Once a Mullet, Always a Mullet”: Any player who plays his first game in the majors with a mullet, must keep a mullet for the duration of his current stay in the majors. Only if he is sent down to the minors may he lose his mullet. On returning to the majors, the rule applies anew (i.e. re-enter with a mullet, have to keep the mullet). If a player illegally cuts their hair, they are fined a full season’s salary, and a fake mullet is affixed to the inside of their cap and batting helmet. For the first three games after cutting their mullet, they must wear their cap and batting helmet backwards, with the faux-mullet in their face.

New Rule 14.04

Rain delays no longer exist. People paid large sums of money to hit a ball and run around a park can do so in any kind of weather. The first and third base coaches will be provided with umbrellas to keep players dry when they are on base. Players may optionally elect to carry a compact umbrella with them for when they are on second, or for when they are running between bases. Ponchos are also acceptable.

New Rule 14.03

“The Wave” shall now officially be referred to as the “Sequential Section-to-Section Fan Participation Activity” (or, SSSFPA, pronounced “Suff-pa”). Bearded fans should remain seated, but may raise their arms.

New Rule 14.02

The first fan to catch a foul ball is required to throw a pitch at some point in the game (if the fan has a beard, they are ejected from the stadium, and the rule does not apply to this game). It is at the discretion of the home team manager to decide when to use the FP (Fan Pitch), but it must be thrown to the visiting team, not to his own team. If the pitch thrown is on a count with two strikes, and the hitter strikes out, it is registered as FBF (Fanned by Fan), and the player is immediately sent down to the minors.

New Rule 14.01

There should be more base runners. In both halves of the first, the inning should start with a runner on first base. If the starting pitcher has a beard, the runner should start on second.

Wendell's New Rules for Baseball
New Rules for Baseball are from the mind of Wendell Weeks, who very oh-so-rarely writes on his own blog, Topics for Humans.